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CLASSIC CAR SHOW 2020
 

Our 2020 show will take place on Sunday 10 May at the usual venue of Strathallan Games Park, Bridge of Allan FK9 4QY.
The invitation letters and entry forms will be issued at the end of January 2020. If you don't receive an Invitation letter and entry form, but would like to attend, please print an entry from the SHOW section of this website. Please also read the information included in the Invitation letter. As in previous years show profits will be donated to charity.
ALSO NOTE THAT ENTRY FORMS MUST HAVE AN A5 STAMPED SELF ADDRESSED ENVELOPE TO RETURN YOUR SHOW PASS.

 
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TOPIC: Lifes too short-Have a chuckle

Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #167

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MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake



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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #168

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Man goes to doctors & says " Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's H's or T's"
Doctor replies " Well, you can't say fairer than that then"




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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #169

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During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin"

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Bejazus! are yer' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be
at least 8 characters long and include a capital''





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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #170

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An Irishman brings his new bride to the bedroom and once there she strips off, lies on the bed and spreadeagles herself.
"You know what I want, don't you?" she asks seductively.
"Aye" says Paddy. "Both sides of the fookin bed..."




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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #171

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Why Parents Have Gray Hair;
====================================================================

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

Chad.






P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!





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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #172

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Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the
conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save
some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please."





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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #173

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Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."




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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #174

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My wife got naked the other night and asked me, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
I looked her up and down and replied, 'Your sense of humour!'




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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 10 months ago #207

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What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is annoying you:

1- Remove your lap top from its bag

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3- Turn it ON

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5- Turn on the Internet

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7- Take a deep breath and open this site

www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

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Re:Lifes too short-Have a chuckle 9 years 9 months ago #257

Trainee keeper on his first day at the Zoo.
Boss gives him a brush and shovel and sends him to clean the aqarium.. He no sooner starts sweeping when a big fish jumps clean out the tank and bites him on the leg. he grabs the shovel and beats it to death. Not wanting to upset the boss on his first day, he tosses the dead fish over the Lion enclosure wall knowing that the Lions will eat anything.
Boss then sends him to clean out the chimps enclosure. As soon as he starts shovelling, 2 male chimps attacked him. Luckily he has his shovel and a few cracks on the skull and the chimpsl lay dead at his feet. Again to avoid any questions he tosses the bodies over the wall to the Lions.
He is beginning to think the job is not for him, when the boss sends him to clean the insect house. He is shovelling in the African killer bee section when again he is under attack. He swings the shovel as fast as he can and before long he is up to his knees in squashed bees. Really pisses off, he tosses them over the wall to the lions, tells the boss to stuff his job and heads for the job centers .
Later that day a new Lion arrives from another Zoo. The other Lions show him around and he asks them what the foods like. Great they say, lots of variety, today we even had

(Wait for it)








Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.
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